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Baria Has "Bar" Right In It

We head to the Dracon Trade Center where Baria Frontiers is located. This should be a walk in the park, I think to myself as I approach the doo-OH GOD THE BUILDING JUST EXPLODED.

*sigh*

Motherfucker.

I wish Liara had had some booze in her apartment I could've hit before coming over here, though I did get tanked in Eternity before going to her apartment so I'm still rocking a healthy buzz from that. Explosions have a way of sobering a person up. NOT ME THOUGH, I'VE GOTTEN USED TO EXPLOSIONS. 

That Asari Spectre tells me she'll go in from the top and I should work my up to the Baria Frontiers office from the bottom. Uh, okay. Whatever. I run past some shook up civilians and into the building where priority one is to check for things to loot. This datapad has some credits in it! So does this ATM! Excellent. I will also take this medigel for myself. You injured people wait for a doctor or something!

I find a dead civilian, killed curiously by gunfire and not the explosion. I mention this to Vasir (the other Spectre) who is like "oh this must be more than just an explosion." Ya think? Oh figured there was just a gas leak or something. I thought maybe some testing on some explosives had gone wrong. They do a lot of explosive testing here, right? Near the gas pipes? Just happens to occur as arrive looking for Liara as we hunt the Shadow Broker. I don't need Encyclopedia Brown on this case; I think I got a pretty good handle on it myself. 

I continue on into the Baria Frontiers office, where I notice that Liara was here as she has taken time to sign the logbook. I know that when I am being hunted by the agents of a mysterious unknown criminal, I take time to sign logbooks. They could chase me into a wedding and I would be like...Where is the guestbook? And I would sign it "Dizzy Shepard, Earth" and the couple would be confused later because they don't know me; I'm just using their reception as a place to hide. If they chase me into a bathroom, I will hide in a stall with my feet off the floor, carving "SHEPARD WUZ HERE" into the divider. The most important thing to me, when running from people is to leave a good trail with my name everywhere.

I don't have  much time to consider this though as I am quickly attacked by several of the Shadow Broker's agents. And they are using those annoying ass flashbang grenades. Oh they are extra annoying when you are totally pretty wasted still. I was ALREADY seeing double. You are making my vision and hearing exponentially worse. Thankfully Garrus and Thane handily take care of them, while I throw up in the corner for a minute.

Throwing up, while a sucky process, always results in me feeling just WAY better though. Wow guys, do you have some gum? Because aside from the taste of this asari booze and stomach bile in my mouth, I am feeling way better! What were doing? Oh yeah, looking for Liara.

We continue fighting through these assholes until we finally come across Liara's contact, only to see him get shot by a Shadow Broker agent. Oh god my reaction time is so slow why didn't I stop that? The agent is immediately killed by Vasir though, so I'm like, oh cool. I go to talk to her when Liara comes barging into the room, pointing a gun at Vasir.

Whoa whoa whoa, what's with the guns and the pointing Liara? She's a spectre and they've always been cool right? Wait. I seem to remember one that wasn't...Liara explains that Vasir tried to kill her and she's working with the Shadow Broker or something. I'm kind of startled by the sudden flood of information but ultimately we all point our guns at Vasir. 

She biotic smashes the glass and biotic insults Liara who biotic protects me and my squad and I biotic try to tackle (head up! lower the shoulder) who biotic falls out the window with me but biotic cushions our landing with biotics. Not that I need your damn cushion, ain't nothing getting through my bone weaves! Liara leaps out the window as well, and we take off after her. 

I yell back to Garrus and Thane.

GET DOWN HERE SOMEHOW!

UUUUH

THANE HAS BIOTICS! HUG EACH OTHER AND JUMP!

MAKE OUT A LITTLE!

I CAN TAKE A MINUTE TO WATCH I'M NOT IN A HURRY OR ANYTHING.

Apartment Hunting

The threat of the Collectors finally taken care of, I head upstairs to my cabin and cuddle with Garrus for like 4 hours straight. Slow, methodical, repetitive cuddling. On the bed. On the couch. Back to bed. Just cuddle, cuddle, cuddle.

Finally I decide to see what else in the galaxy needs to be shot/blown up/destroyed and remember that I had some info on the Shadow Broker that I was supposed to take Liara like, forever ago. Um, whoops.

Okay uh, let's fly to Illium and do this, I suppose. But I'm going to Eternity and getting a drink. And we're going there first. FIRST. Not afterwards. Well, I suppose afterwards too. Yes, we're going before, and afterwards, and if I get a moment in between doing stuff, we might swing by there sometime then too. 

I take my usual crew of Garrus and Thane, and head to Liara's office. Hey. How's it going? So...um, you wanna go get the Shadow Broker, or uh, whatever? I give her the info I have and she practically wets herself with excitement. She says to meet me at her apartment later and runs off, saying I can feel free to use her computer or something. I'm like sweet, I wanna check my email and show Garrus and Thane this funny video I saw earlier where this pyjak is sitting on a branch and then scratches its butt and then fall off the branch. 

Unfortunately, I can't ACTUALLY use the computer. 

Liara said meet her later so I assume that means it's okay to kill some time...at the bar. I drink a few drinks, listen to a few conversations and then decide that it's late enough to go to Liara's place. I head to a taxi terminal and I say, "car! Liara's apartment!" It knows what I mean and takes us right there. 

At her apartment I am, well, somewhat shocked to find that things have gone horribly wrong. Not completely shocked  because I've started to just expect a mess no matter where I'm going. I'm not sure if I'm unlucky or...I mean I was expecting trouble eventually, it just seems to be jumping me sooner and sooner on these little tasks I go on. 

Anyway, Liara's gone, shots have been fired through her window and there's another Asari Spectre there waiting for me. I'm all, 'scuse me, best Spectre ever right here. Let me through. They let me in, and I tell the other Spectre, Vasir, that Liara was expecting me and would of course, have left me a note. She wouldn't have just left, even if people were shooting at it. She'd put up a biotic bubble thing with one hand and awkwardly write a note with the other. She would! She would! 

Vasir's all, whatever, have a look around. So I do, while Garrus and Thane stand around by the door. I start by examining the window where the gun shots came through. Yep, those look like bullet holes all right. I turn around to check out the rest of the place and see a case displaying uh, most of my old armor. I uh...huh. She's got my old armor. What the...what else of mine does she have? I wonder for a second if maybe she has that Foo Fighters disc that's been missing since my ship got blown up, but it occurs to me that it's probably floating in space. I look around some more and head upstairs where hooooly shit this is a nice apartment.

Oh my god look at that fishtank. What the hell!? She has jellyfish! Jellyfish! Garrus! Thane! Go in Liara's kitchen and see if she's got any plastic baggies. We are taking these fuckers back to the Normandy. I ain't got no damn jellyfish.

After digging through all of her belongings and her underwear drawer and checking behind all the paintings for safes, I finally find a data disc where one of Liara's contacts asks her to meet him at the Baria Frontiers office in the Dracon trade center. Vasir is like "aha sweet!" and I'm little put off by her, to be honest. I grab Garrus and Thane though, and make for the trade center. I suggest we stop for drinks on the way.

But they tell me no. 

Platform to the Danger Zone

For the final mission, I pick my usual team of Garrus and Thane. Everyone else needs to stay and hold the line by this door. I can't remember why I care if they get through this door. If you recall, I had a lot of wine before this mission started. Oh well, I work better with only two people at this point anyways. Even having Samara around for that last part was like, who's this other person talking to me? What's going on? Game: Thrown off!

The three of us climb on the platform and oh man, we look awesome. We look hot. We look like...something I might be open to later. 

Ahem.

Anyways, I tell everyone else to stay here and shoot things while we ride this platform off into the sunset. Other platforms start flying in and connecting to it. Each one has a few collectors on it, but thankfully the platforms rotate and I can shoot the collectors from my platform as they come into view. It's like a lazy susan of murder. 

Finally a platform takes us to the center of the collector base where oooh my god what in the hell is that?

There is some sort of retarded three-eyed slack-jawed half-a-person giant robot hanging from the ceiling that all the tubes are feeding into. EDI tries to answer some of my questions, which it is obvious I have because I have not stopped looking confused and horrified for a good 5 minutes. 

"So, they're melting people down...to make a person reaper? Yes? Okay. So...I mean they melt people? And then...I guess I'm just getting lost at this concept here EDI! THEY'RE MELTING PEOPLE? AND THEN MAKING A REAPER OUT OF THAT? Well can I see like some schematics of how that works? You know what EDI, fine, forget it, just tell me how to blow it up."

There's 4 tubes at the top that are sporadically exposed because whoever is in charge of those tubes is an idiot. 

"Okay, we got our human reaper hanging from the ceiling. Is it up there good, Bill?"

"Oh yeah, that thing ain't coming down unless someone gets in here and shoots ALL FOUR of those tubes."

"They would just need to shoot the tubes?"

"Well yeah, but no one's getting in here anyways."

"Right, but if someone did, they just have to shoot the tubes?"

"Well, yeah...but they have these shutter things that close so you can't shoot them."

"Oh, okay."

"They open back up though."

"WHAT?"

"Oh yeah, they totally will open back up after a few seconds."

"GODDAMMIT BILL!"

Some lazy susans start flying in and I've had enough of talking about this reaper, let's shoot those tubes, blow this thing up and get the hell out of here. I start blasting them, and the collectors that are showing up and the Reaper plummets pretty quickly. I pull up a chamber thing and get ready to rig the place to explode. Suddenly the Illusive Man wants to talk to me.

Oh. Good.

He says we should just kill the all the collectors and keep the base! It'll be fun! 

Oh fun? Like the science team on the derelict reaper? Or when you sent me to the disabled collector ship that wasn't actually disabled? or hell, like the ride here through all the debris and robot eyes? Yeah, I don't think so.

I set the explosion, and suddenly turn around to see the abortion of a reaper trying to attack us. The three of us start shooting it even though I don't really know why. I just set this station to explode and would really prefer to just run the fuck away and let the explosion take care of everything, especially since knowing me, that explosion is probably set to go off in something like half a second. Still, we stay and kill the reaper and get caught up in the platforms crashing around us. 

I get knocked out for a second but wake to find Garrus and Thane next to me. I check that they're ok, help them both up and hear Joker telling me to hurry up. The three of us sprint towards the Normandy, and I leap into the airlock, barely grabbing it. Garrus pulls me up, as my bone weaves have made me too heavy to do a single pull up on my own now. The door slams shut, and we fly away as the base explodes.

Everyone is alive.

And we are all fucking badasses.

TO KASUMI'S ROOM! 

SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS!

Hello Pod? It's Me, Shepard.

After breathing a sigh of relief at making it through that first ordeal, we turn to see some of those weird ass pod things and oh god there's a person in that one! We rush over and realize that it's one of the colonists. I stare at the pod confused for a bit when suddenly the colonist wakes up and starts screaming at me and pounding the inside of her pod and then she melts. 

What. in the hell. 

I finally take a moment to glance at a pod besides that one and see that the rest of them are filled with the Normandy crew! Ooooh fuck! I finally figure out how to open the damn things (a button on the side?) and we get them all out, even those people that are always just sitting around at the table doing nothing. 

Dr. Chakwas is super happy that I'm there to save them from the literal melting pot that they were about to become a part of. We look at all the tubes and decide it's time to split up again, and also get the crew back to the ship. I send Mordin with them, since I figure they might need a doctor and Chakwas might be all dehydrated and woozy and stuff. I thought about sending Jacob to get him out of my way and to give him something to do, like, here ya go lil' buddy! But he has angered me too much.

Next I need to take a small team of like, two people through an area filled with swarms and I need a biotic to shield me. I pick Samara, as she's major badass but not kinda freaky unstable like Jack often is. I take Thane and Grunt with me and send everyone else with Garrus again. I will miss you sweetie! 

Samara's got her big bubble going and tells me she doesn't know how long she can hold it as she is walking through the area with me in practically slow motion. I am at the very front edge of this bubble going "C'mooooon c'moooooooooon" and she is telling me to hurry. We stop for a moment to kill some collectors and then again to kill some husks but finally make it to another door where we meet up with the other team. 

We rush through, and Samara works to close the door while everyone else shoots back the collectors. The doors slam shut and Garrus steps back holding his side.

GARRUS!

I run over and he's like "HA! GOTCHA!"

The fuck dude! Don't fucking scare me like that ever a-fucking-gain! 

Everybody laughs at Garrus's hilarious joke and I stomp to a platform to pick my team for the final fight and do some rousing speeching. 

Harbin-jerk

After saying grace, EDI pulls up the schematics of the collector ship. We decide we need to send in two teams, and one tech specialist to crawl through some vents. Jacob says the vent task is practically a suicide mission and then immediately volunteers.

I take a good long look at him and I think about all the times he's made me angry since I first met him. A suicide mission huh. Within a suicide mission, huh. Tempting as it is to send him, I decide I want people I can trust and who won't mess things up, because what if they get someone else killed. I pick Tali. 

Miranda then volunteers to lead the second team. Will you damn Cerberus people just shut your traps for one second? Jack is all like aw hell no, I ain't listening to that tramp. And Jack wasn't gonna be coming with me so...hmmm

Someone I trust. Someone who will keep people in line. Someone whose steely blue eyes are stearn and commanding, yet you could lose yourself in them if given the chance.

GARRRRUUUUSSSSSS. 

He nods at me, and I grab Thane and Gar-..oh shit. Who will come with me and Thane now!? Umm...I decide finally on Grunt because I like the POP when you hit someone with a concussive shot. It's just so satisfying. 

We climb off the Normandy ready to kick collector ass. Tali heads for the vents. Me, Grunt, and Thane head in one direction and Garrus takes Jack, Miranda, Jacob, Samara, Legion, Mordin, Zaeed, and Kasumi the other direction.

Hey! These teams are a little lopsided, ya think? Garrus is taking eight squad members and I am taking two? The hell?

We start blasting our way through the ship, fighting the collectors, and I can hear the occassional shout of "NICE SHOOTING!" from Garrus over the radio. Oh good, things are going well for them. I would hope so. There are freakin' nine of them. 

Grunt and Thane and I are holding up pretty well too. Harbingers are dropping like glowy flies that aren't even getting a chance to assume control of a...remote. As soon as they show up, I'm like BAM REAVE! Thane! BAM WARP! BAM HEADSHOT!

Unfortunately I also need to hit some panels so Tali can keep moving in the vents where she complains that it's quite hot. I tell her to just, ya know, turn on one of the fans in her suit or whatever. I know that thing has fancy temperature controls! Don't lie to me!

As we round a corner, there's three collectors standing there having a smoke break or something. I reave one, Thane warps another, and Grunt hits the last with a concussive shot. They all fall in a heap and I honestly stood there for a moment, laughing at them.

Finally we're getting to the meeting spot with the second team. Doors need opening, doors need closing, oh god shoot them, hold them back and then finally we're safe, for the moment. 

Gettin' Omega Re-LAID.

Well, it's finally time to go save the universe. I tell Joker to head for the scary red relay, while I go take a shower in my weird metal space bathroom. As I step out of bathroom, back in my civvies, I find Garrus waiting for me. I wonder for a moment how long he's been there, then I wonder what the hell that shirt is he's got on. I'm a little disappointed, as I wanted a fun armor-removing game. Like, strip poker or something. 

He tells me he brought wine, and holds up a bottle even though we can't drink the same wine. So is the wine just for me? If I didn't know better, I would be concerned about this turning into some kind of date rape scenario, but we did all the paperwork for this beforehand. Still, I don't know if I should be getting trashed right before heading into this big huge fight. 

Though I guess I've been pretty much trashed every chance I've gotten so far. 

BRING ON THE WINE, GAR-BEAR!

He turns on some music, which I promptly turn off and then go start rubbing up on his scar, because he was right...I do love scars. 

Garrus, I tell him...

I still don't know how to get this shirt off. 

A bit later, Joker tells me we're about to reach the other side of the relay jump, which is the first hard part of the mission because like, every other ship would just explode upon arrival or something. So uh, heh...fingers crossed!

We pop out into a huge debris field of busted up ships and space cars up on space blocks, and toys the kids haven't bothered to pick up and various tools and such. Joker is doing a nice job navigating it, and the new armor and shields are keeping the ship from getting too banged up. 

Suddenly we are being chased by some creepy ass little orb-eye things with guns. One of them manages to blast its way into the cargo bay or somewhere like that I never go so I grab Garrus and Thane and head down there to fuck it the fuck up. 

Another one gets in and we kill it too and hope that we're done with those things for like...I dunno, ever? 

Back up by Joker, the Collector's ship is coming on out to try to shoot us. I hate this dumb rock sculpture bullshit ship, so I tell Joker to fire the main gun and see if Garrus's calibrations are good as he keeps telling me. 

We fly right at the ship and BAM, our gun rips them up something fierce. I want to tell Garrus right then that his gun show is the best gun show ever, but instead we circle around shoot the ship again. 

And then we hit a patch of trouble and the Normandy crashes on the Collector base. Fuuuuuuuuuuuck. Can we fix it? I know I've been all like "oh we might all die" but that's just complete bullshit, I don't intend for that to happen at all. 

I tell EDI to work on it, and gather the squad around my table. It's really nice, and I think we will have a big Christmas dinner in here, come December.