Platform to the Danger Zone

For the final mission, I pick my usual team of Garrus and Thane. Everyone else needs to stay and hold the line by this door. I can't remember why I care if they get through this door. If you recall, I had a lot of wine before this mission started. Oh well, I work better with only two people at this point anyways. Even having Samara around for that last part was like, who's this other person talking to me? What's going on? Game: Thrown off!

The three of us climb on the platform and oh man, we look awesome. We look hot. We look like...something I might be open to later. 

Ahem.

Anyways, I tell everyone else to stay here and shoot things while we ride this platform off into the sunset. Other platforms start flying in and connecting to it. Each one has a few collectors on it, but thankfully the platforms rotate and I can shoot the collectors from my platform as they come into view. It's like a lazy susan of murder. 

Finally a platform takes us to the center of the collector base where oooh my god what in the hell is that?

There is some sort of retarded three-eyed slack-jawed half-a-person giant robot hanging from the ceiling that all the tubes are feeding into. EDI tries to answer some of my questions, which it is obvious I have because I have not stopped looking confused and horrified for a good 5 minutes. 

"So, they're melting people down...to make a person reaper? Yes? Okay. So...I mean they melt people? And then...I guess I'm just getting lost at this concept here EDI! THEY'RE MELTING PEOPLE? AND THEN MAKING A REAPER OUT OF THAT? Well can I see like some schematics of how that works? You know what EDI, fine, forget it, just tell me how to blow it up."

There's 4 tubes at the top that are sporadically exposed because whoever is in charge of those tubes is an idiot. 

"Okay, we got our human reaper hanging from the ceiling. Is it up there good, Bill?"

"Oh yeah, that thing ain't coming down unless someone gets in here and shoots ALL FOUR of those tubes."

"They would just need to shoot the tubes?"

"Well yeah, but no one's getting in here anyways."

"Right, but if someone did, they just have to shoot the tubes?"

"Well, yeah...but they have these shutter things that close so you can't shoot them."

"Oh, okay."

"They open back up though."

"WHAT?"

"Oh yeah, they totally will open back up after a few seconds."

"GODDAMMIT BILL!"

Some lazy susans start flying in and I've had enough of talking about this reaper, let's shoot those tubes, blow this thing up and get the hell out of here. I start blasting them, and the collectors that are showing up and the Reaper plummets pretty quickly. I pull up a chamber thing and get ready to rig the place to explode. Suddenly the Illusive Man wants to talk to me.

Oh. Good.

He says we should just kill the all the collectors and keep the base! It'll be fun! 

Oh fun? Like the science team on the derelict reaper? Or when you sent me to the disabled collector ship that wasn't actually disabled? or hell, like the ride here through all the debris and robot eyes? Yeah, I don't think so.

I set the explosion, and suddenly turn around to see the abortion of a reaper trying to attack us. The three of us start shooting it even though I don't really know why. I just set this station to explode and would really prefer to just run the fuck away and let the explosion take care of everything, especially since knowing me, that explosion is probably set to go off in something like half a second. Still, we stay and kill the reaper and get caught up in the platforms crashing around us. 

I get knocked out for a second but wake to find Garrus and Thane next to me. I check that they're ok, help them both up and hear Joker telling me to hurry up. The three of us sprint towards the Normandy, and I leap into the airlock, barely grabbing it. Garrus pulls me up, as my bone weaves have made me too heavy to do a single pull up on my own now. The door slams shut, and we fly away as the base explodes.

Everyone is alive.

And we are all fucking badasses.

TO KASUMI'S ROOM! 

SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS!

Hello Pod? It's Me, Shepard.

After breathing a sigh of relief at making it through that first ordeal, we turn to see some of those weird ass pod things and oh god there's a person in that one! We rush over and realize that it's one of the colonists. I stare at the pod confused for a bit when suddenly the colonist wakes up and starts screaming at me and pounding the inside of her pod and then she melts. 

What. in the hell. 

I finally take a moment to glance at a pod besides that one and see that the rest of them are filled with the Normandy crew! Ooooh fuck! I finally figure out how to open the damn things (a button on the side?) and we get them all out, even those people that are always just sitting around at the table doing nothing. 

Dr. Chakwas is super happy that I'm there to save them from the literal melting pot that they were about to become a part of. We look at all the tubes and decide it's time to split up again, and also get the crew back to the ship. I send Mordin with them, since I figure they might need a doctor and Chakwas might be all dehydrated and woozy and stuff. I thought about sending Jacob to get him out of my way and to give him something to do, like, here ya go lil' buddy! But he has angered me too much.

Next I need to take a small team of like, two people through an area filled with swarms and I need a biotic to shield me. I pick Samara, as she's major badass but not kinda freaky unstable like Jack often is. I take Thane and Grunt with me and send everyone else with Garrus again. I will miss you sweetie! 

Samara's got her big bubble going and tells me she doesn't know how long she can hold it as she is walking through the area with me in practically slow motion. I am at the very front edge of this bubble going "C'mooooon c'moooooooooon" and she is telling me to hurry. We stop for a moment to kill some collectors and then again to kill some husks but finally make it to another door where we meet up with the other team. 

We rush through, and Samara works to close the door while everyone else shoots back the collectors. The doors slam shut and Garrus steps back holding his side.

GARRUS!

I run over and he's like "HA! GOTCHA!"

The fuck dude! Don't fucking scare me like that ever a-fucking-gain! 

Everybody laughs at Garrus's hilarious joke and I stomp to a platform to pick my team for the final fight and do some rousing speeching. 

Harbin-jerk

After saying grace, EDI pulls up the schematics of the collector ship. We decide we need to send in two teams, and one tech specialist to crawl through some vents. Jacob says the vent task is practically a suicide mission and then immediately volunteers.

I take a good long look at him and I think about all the times he's made me angry since I first met him. A suicide mission huh. Within a suicide mission, huh. Tempting as it is to send him, I decide I want people I can trust and who won't mess things up, because what if they get someone else killed. I pick Tali. 

Miranda then volunteers to lead the second team. Will you damn Cerberus people just shut your traps for one second? Jack is all like aw hell no, I ain't listening to that tramp. And Jack wasn't gonna be coming with me so...hmmm

Someone I trust. Someone who will keep people in line. Someone whose steely blue eyes are stearn and commanding, yet you could lose yourself in them if given the chance.

GARRRRUUUUSSSSSS. 

He nods at me, and I grab Thane and Gar-..oh shit. Who will come with me and Thane now!? Umm...I decide finally on Grunt because I like the POP when you hit someone with a concussive shot. It's just so satisfying. 

We climb off the Normandy ready to kick collector ass. Tali heads for the vents. Me, Grunt, and Thane head in one direction and Garrus takes Jack, Miranda, Jacob, Samara, Legion, Mordin, Zaeed, and Kasumi the other direction.

Hey! These teams are a little lopsided, ya think? Garrus is taking eight squad members and I am taking two? The hell?

We start blasting our way through the ship, fighting the collectors, and I can hear the occassional shout of "NICE SHOOTING!" from Garrus over the radio. Oh good, things are going well for them. I would hope so. There are freakin' nine of them. 

Grunt and Thane and I are holding up pretty well too. Harbingers are dropping like glowy flies that aren't even getting a chance to assume control of a...remote. As soon as they show up, I'm like BAM REAVE! Thane! BAM WARP! BAM HEADSHOT!

Unfortunately I also need to hit some panels so Tali can keep moving in the vents where she complains that it's quite hot. I tell her to just, ya know, turn on one of the fans in her suit or whatever. I know that thing has fancy temperature controls! Don't lie to me!

As we round a corner, there's three collectors standing there having a smoke break or something. I reave one, Thane warps another, and Grunt hits the last with a concussive shot. They all fall in a heap and I honestly stood there for a moment, laughing at them.

Finally we're getting to the meeting spot with the second team. Doors need opening, doors need closing, oh god shoot them, hold them back and then finally we're safe, for the moment. 

Gettin' Omega Re-LAID.

Well, it's finally time to go save the universe. I tell Joker to head for the scary red relay, while I go take a shower in my weird metal space bathroom. As I step out of bathroom, back in my civvies, I find Garrus waiting for me. I wonder for a moment how long he's been there, then I wonder what the hell that shirt is he's got on. I'm a little disappointed, as I wanted a fun armor-removing game. Like, strip poker or something. 

He tells me he brought wine, and holds up a bottle even though we can't drink the same wine. So is the wine just for me? If I didn't know better, I would be concerned about this turning into some kind of date rape scenario, but we did all the paperwork for this beforehand. Still, I don't know if I should be getting trashed right before heading into this big huge fight. 

Though I guess I've been pretty much trashed every chance I've gotten so far. 

BRING ON THE WINE, GAR-BEAR!

He turns on some music, which I promptly turn off and then go start rubbing up on his scar, because he was right...I do love scars. 

Garrus, I tell him...

I still don't know how to get this shirt off. 

A bit later, Joker tells me we're about to reach the other side of the relay jump, which is the first hard part of the mission because like, every other ship would just explode upon arrival or something. So uh, heh...fingers crossed!

We pop out into a huge debris field of busted up ships and space cars up on space blocks, and toys the kids haven't bothered to pick up and various tools and such. Joker is doing a nice job navigating it, and the new armor and shields are keeping the ship from getting too banged up. 

Suddenly we are being chased by some creepy ass little orb-eye things with guns. One of them manages to blast its way into the cargo bay or somewhere like that I never go so I grab Garrus and Thane and head down there to fuck it the fuck up. 

Another one gets in and we kill it too and hope that we're done with those things for like...I dunno, ever? 

Back up by Joker, the Collector's ship is coming on out to try to shoot us. I hate this dumb rock sculpture bullshit ship, so I tell Joker to fire the main gun and see if Garrus's calibrations are good as he keeps telling me. 

We fly right at the ship and BAM, our gun rips them up something fierce. I want to tell Garrus right then that his gun show is the best gun show ever, but instead we circle around shoot the ship again. 

And then we hit a patch of trouble and the Normandy crashes on the Collector base. Fuuuuuuuuuuuck. Can we fix it? I know I've been all like "oh we might all die" but that's just complete bullshit, I don't intend for that to happen at all. 

I tell EDI to work on it, and gather the squad around my table. It's really nice, and I think we will have a big Christmas dinner in here, come December. 

Worst Road Trip Ever

Jokerrrrrrrr

Is that IFF installed yet?

No? EDI's still working on it. Okay.

I go to my cabin where I feed my fish, check my hamster and then sit on my bed and twiddle my thumbs for a bit.

I'M BOOOORRREEED.

Joker? 

He tells me it's gonna take a while and I should take a shuttle to our next mission. 

But I don't haaaaaaaaave a mission to dooooooooo. 

JUST GET OFF THE DAMN SHIP SHEPARD!

Fine, we're leaving. 

I take absolutely every squadmate and pile them all into the shuttle. It is crowded to say the least. Laps are being sat on, personal spaces are being invaded, pheremones are being inhaled. PILOT! Autopilot! Whoever is up there flying this thing! I say, set a course for WHEREVER!

This is fun, right guys? I'm having fun. This is way better than sitting around in the cabin. You guys want to play a game? Sing some road trip songs? Eh? 

The engines on the shuttle go fsssshh fssshhh fsssshhh.

No? Fine.

Suddenly we get a call from the Normandy, telling us to hurry back right away, so we do because we weren't doing anything anyways, and no one seemed to be digging on my attempts to encourage comraderie amongst squad members. 

Back on the ship, we find the Collectors have taken...everyone. Except Joker. Everyone. 

Well. Bummer. I guess at least they didn't just blow the ship up this time but, still, I can't say I'm thrilled about this situation. Miranda yells at Joker for "letting them" do that and I look at her like, you are so dumb. 

Is the IFF at least ready to go? Because I have nothing else to do right now, oh except this...uh..help Liara thing but good lord I am putting that off. Awkward!

EDI says we're ready for the relay. 

Then let's do it.

Be Our Geth, Be Our Geth

Back on the Normandy, I don't think anyone really wants me to turn this Geth back on. 

Which means I'm doing it. Muahahahaha! 

I'M COMMANDER SHEPARD! YOU CAN'T STOP ME! I DO WHAT I WANT!

I head down to the AI core which is through the med bay and is also very poorly lit. Some Cerberus guy is standing there guarding the uh...let's just inactive Geth. I take a moment to look this dude over because I'm pretty sure I don't remember seeing him on my ship before. Suspicious! Where did you come from? Are you normally supposed to sit at one of these seats upstairs that is always empty? I dismiss you from this post! Go to your seat upstairs!

I activate the Geth and talk to him, naming him Legion with EDI's help and finding out that the chunk of N7 armor he has is mine. Because even robots love me. We have a nice chat, and I head upstairs to check with Joker on the Reaper IFF installation. And then over to Kelly to see if there's anything else I gotta do while we wait on that.

She says Legion would like to talk to me.

Wha-

I was just down there.

I go back down the elevator and find Legion needs help destroying some other Geth that are planning to plant a virus in his Geth friends. Geth on Geth violence. Organics keeping 'em down. What have you.

All right, I say. Get your gun, I'll let Garrus know and go point the ship in the right direction. 

Once on board, Legion tells me that he's found another option instead of just destroying all these Geth. We could reprogram the virus they had planned to use against Legion's Geth and use against them instead. Apparently this is would be akin to brainwashing but I like to think of it more as releasing an update. Oh did Geth OS 7 drop? Let me check out the new features! I hope it's less buggy than Geth WE. (Willenium). 

I ask Legion what he wants to do and he tells me that I should pick. 

No you pick Legion.

No you pick Shepard.

No. You.

No you.

GODDAMMIT. I DON'T WANNA.

We work our way through the ship to find our way to some core or something, as usual. Always working our way towards something we will program or shoot or blow up or all three or some combination of them. Legion and I are hacking geth along the way but usually all the Geth the hacked Geth might've shot are dead before they can kill much and then I have to stand there and shoot a couple of Geth that are just holding still. 

Finally we get to the place to either blow up the Geth or reprogram them. Legion still wants me to pick so I pick reprogramming. He pushes a few buttons and then says that there's gonna be a nice pulse right through the ship that'll kill any organics. In like...3 minutes.

...awesome.

I am upset, but I can feel Garrus's eyes piercing me from behind. You see Shepard. When you rig things to explode in like 10 seconds and then make us sprint away from it with no warning?

This is how that feels. 

I'm sorrrrrryyyyy. I don't know what's wrong with me. 

The worst part is I know we're gonna get back to the ship and Garrus is gonna tell everyone else about this.

*sigh*

We take off running and fight off a few Geth trying to stop us and make it back to the Normandy in one piece. 

Is it time to fight the Collectors yet? Because I am taking a drinking break quick.

Reaper What You Sower

With everyone on my ship happy and focused, Jacob giving me bro-hugs, and me getting anxious for the sweet Turian loving, I decide to head to the derelict Reaper and find an IFF that let us go through that scary red relay. 

I take Garrus and Thane with me and we start investigating what happened to Cerberus's science team. Unsurprisingly they all went crazy. And died. Or something. They're all dead. I wasn't really expecting to find a survivor. And if I did find one, I'd probably have to kill them for some reason. 

We continue through the ship when we are attacked by piles and piles of husks. Goddamn fucking husks. I would say that I wish I could kill every husk ever, but I think I fucking do. I guess I wish it wasn't such a pain in the ass to do it. 

We work our way through the ship when a couple of husks are shot by something that was not me. Uuuh, Garrus? No? Thane? Also no? Well...that's strange. OOOOH PALLADIUM! 

Further into the ship there's a bunch of those spikes that turn people into husks. Garrus says something like, my people call them Dragon Teeth and I'm a little annoyed that they have a name for something on this ship that the council and a bunch of other people insist doesn't exist. How did that name come about? 

Somewhere on this ship scouring adventure, I find out from Joker that the reaper's magic effect fields are keeping us from getting back to the Normandy and we need to go blow up the ship's generator and then get off the ship quick before it plummets into the system's crappy sun or whatever. We're suddenly hurrying and panicked about doing this, when I am wondering if we are still going to get that IFF? I didn't come here just for a fun escape mission, I had a reason for it. 

We start working our way towards the ship's mass effect generator, shooting piles of husks along the way. And the occasional giant scion with their goofy sideways heads. As we enter one room, two husks pop up behind me and are suddenly shot by our mysterious sniper again. We look up and see a Geth, with a sniper rifle in a chunk of N7 armor. He says my name and then darts off like a fucking leprechaun. The hell?

Garrus and  Thane seem equally confused but before we can have a discussion about this jesus fucking christ, there's more goddamn husks to kill. 

We've almost made it to the generator when I come across the IFF just sitting on a terminal. Well that's fucking convenient. I thought we were gonna have to find another Reaper and try this all again, but there it is just waiting for me like a little present. 

I have no reason to be suspicious!

In the next room is the Geth again and a shit load of husks. He gets uh..."knocked out?" I don't know what the appropriate term would be. Shut down? Sleep mode? At any rate, we're stuck shooting all the husks while also trying to shoot the generator. We finally blow it up and are ready to book it back to the Normandy, except that the issue of discussing that Geth is forced upon us. I say let's take him, because I like anyone that'll shoot one of these fucking husks. Garrus is, of course, wary and untrusting. It's so adorable how he worries. 

We grab the Geth and hurry off this damn reaper.

Joker pulls the Normandy around to the platform we are sprinting off of. Garrus shoots the husks that are chasing us, while Thane and I heave the Geth towards the ship and he floats right into the airlock. 

"OOOH! DID YOU GUYS SEE THAT? PERFECT SHOT!"

No one cares though and Garrus and Thane are already leaping into the ship themselves. I guess I'll jump in there too. 

I give the husks the finger as we speed off, and take the Geth to my magic table. 

When You Coming Home (Blue) Sun

Finally I am down to one last person that needs me to help them: Zaeed. We need to go..I don't know something, refinery, Vido, whatever. I am so bad at listening to this guy talk. 

We head to the planet and shoot our way through some mercs, stopping at a bridge for Zaeed to talk to me some more, and I ask him about founding the Blue Suns and getting shot in the face and stuff, but really I'm staring off behind him where Garrus has leaned against a railing as a waterfall pours down behind him and he winks at me and I absent-mindedly reply everything Zaeed is saying with "uh huh. uh huh. uh huh."

"Shepard are you looking at something behind me?"

"What? No. I was just uh...saying we should keep moving..." 

"You were making kissy faces!"

We eventually end up at the refinery door where Vido is standing on a ledge yelling down at Zaeed and having his men point guns at us. Suddenly Zaeed starts firing wildly and starts a fire and releases some valve and I'm like "UUM WHAT THE HELL?"

Okay dude. Look here's the rule. If you're gonna start a fire, it better to be to kill someone. And if you do decide to try that, make sure the guy you want dead actually starts on fire. And if you're just gonna shoot like a crazy person at some magical target in the background, why don't you just shoot Vido instead? What the fuck? Now a building is on fire and he's not dead! If you wanted to shoot him so bad just fucking shoot him! Oh, you wanted to make sure we could get into the building? You have seen me bypass a goddamn door before right? Hack a terminal? We would get in the building. 

Now

Now there's a fire.

I punch him and we move on with this stupid mission, stupid idiot with his stupid fire starting bullshit motherfrigginreggingfriggin...

As we head inside, we find a bunch of the workers are trapped. Zaeed is like, fuck them I need to kill that guy I had a clear shot at two minutes ago. I look at him.

WELL MAYBE WE SHOULD THINK THROUGH OUR ACTIONS A LITTLE BETTER HUH MAYBE?

We head to help the workers. Thankfully all the gas valves I need to turn off aren't blocked by fire or a fallen beam or something. Then I find the sprinkler system to put the fires out and wonder for a second why those aren't, ya know, like automatic or something. 

The workers saved, we have a shit ton of mercs to fight through while fire sprays down upon us. God this is shit.

Finally we make it out and see Vido flying away in a gunship that Zaeed angrily shoots at until his clip is empty. Then he points it at me. Uh. I JUST saw you empty that gun out, dude. Also there's no gas valves near me, so I imagine you're confused about how to kill me. 

And if you tried, well. Garrus. 

I tell him he's a dick and then a giant beam falls on him. I ask him if he's all right, even though I JUST SAW A GIANT BEAM FALL ON HIM. He says he's okay, but is super pissed at me. I tell him if he's gonna go fight collectors with me, he needs to chill the fuck out or I will just leave him under his stupid beam. He agrees and I LIFT THE BEAM OFF HIM HUUUUURRRRGH!

Oh wait it wasn't that heavy. It was like that stuff they use to make cake decorations. No wonder it didn't hurt. 

Back to the ship guys. 

Jacked Up!

Tali's mission has me feeling appropriately rowdy so I grab Jack and say let's go blow up that thing you want to blow up or whatever. 

We head to a planet where it is raining a lot. I stare at Garrus's collar. 

"Is that...Garrus, is your collar filling up with water? Is there a drainage hole of some sort? JESUS JACK AREN'T YOU COLD?"

We soggily head inside before we all catch our death out there and start investigating the abandoned facility, mostly wrecked from Jack's escape. We scan some stuff, hack some things, and listen to some logs that point towards the fact the facility was torturing and experimenting other kids, and lots of them died doing this. We press on.

Some varren charge us and we kill 'em pretty quickly and but later see some other varren that someone else killed. Garrus notes that the kill looks fresh and I sigh because this means there's someone else here and I'll probably have to kill them.

Sure enough a bunch of blood pack mercs try to kill us but don't last long. We continue through the facility and find some rooms that were apparently the kids' rooms. Garrus reacts with a bit of disgust that they made children stay in these horrible rooms. I glance in one. *shrug* Garrus, this room is almost as big as yours. Children are small! These rooms probably were huge to them. Look at how much space they got. They can sit on the bed or do prison cell pushups. A kid could get pretty ripped in a cell like this, that's for sure. Maybe Turian babies are really big or something.

As we near Jack's cell, we come across a room full of blood pack mercs, apparently talking to someone in the next room. I am so annoyed at this guys, that I black out and when I wake up all of the mercs are dead and Garrus and Jack are staring at me.

Look.

Her pissiness rubs off. It's like I need Garrus along on this mission to keep me calm. 

After a few deep breaths we head into the next room, Jack's cell. A guy who used to also be a test subject is there, saying how he's going to start the facility up again with his no money and dirty clothes. Jack wants to kill him, but I tell her that this guy is just crazy deluded and she shouldn't bother. She lets him go. All right then, you wanna plant the bomb? Oh you wanna look around first, okay.

She shows me her horrible bed and her horrible window and her desk she tells me was her best friend. God, a desk? Well...do you wanna take it back to ship? We could put Desky down in your room, dust him off, a happy reunion for everyone! Oh, you don't? You wanna blow him up with all the other stuff. Okay then let's do it already.

Jack pushes the detonator on our giant ass bomb as we fly away in the Normandy. The turbulence almost knocks Garrus into my lap.

HEY.

Easy there Handsy. Save it for the suicide mission. 

Don't give me that look!

It was YOUR idea.

No Trhyme or Treason

I decide that instead of just schlupping around my ship, like I've been doing for the past ...forever, I should go finish up all this mission-y, helping people, stopping collectors business. Looking down my to-do list, I decide to head to the flotilla and help Tali. 

I grab Garrus, as usual, and the three of us board a ship with Tali. There we talk to a few other people and find that they've started referring to Tali as being from the Normandy instead of as being from her flotilla ship. Tali seems upset by this but I think Normandy might be a cool last name and consider having mine changed as well. 

COMMANDER NORMANDY OF THE NORMANDY

wait wait

I'll change the ship to Shepard. 

No no, nevermind. Let's just get this treason trial underway. 

The admiralty board tells Tali that she's charged with sending active Geth back to the flotilla. And that they have taken over her father's ship. And oh, by the way, he might be dead. Did we forget to mention that? Did we just totally glaze over that? God we're sorry. I say Tali and I will go to this supposedly overrun by Geth ship and take that fucker back. And maybe find some evidence too but mostly I'm excited for the shooting that will happen. 

The admirals agree to this and dismiss us. But before leave! I gotta make the rounds and talk to all these people whose names I never remember. Just the Qwib Qwib guy and the bitch. Oh and the two that were in missions earlier, but they're not admirals. 

Tali tells me not ask about the Qwib Qwib guy about his name. So that's the first thing I ask about even though I don't really pay attention to his answer. It's just some odd compulsion to immediately do something I am told to not do and not consider what happens afterwards at all. Hell if someone had told me that whatever I do, DO NOT fight the collectors? I would be on their porch right now.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK bitches! Someone said this was a bad idea and I, oh fuck, I have no one to help me. 

Anyway, one of the other admirals was a total pain in the ass and was being super annoying. I hope I get to punch her someday...

Finally we leave and head towards the infiltrated ship. Every quarian team that went before us apparently died in the first five minutes, so when we board, I am immediately ready for a fight but there's not Geth waiting right there for me. Oh well. We work our way through the place killing Geth and looking for clues when we come across Tali's father.

And he's totally dead.

This is awkward. She starts crying, and I give her a hug and then wonder if like...like if you cry when you have glasses on it makes your glasses so filthy somehow even if you're not crying INTO the glasses,  your tears just make everything around them dirty and disgusting and is it doing something like that inside of her mask or is it fogging up or...how do you clean in there anyways and I've been thinking about this so long but still hugging that I think Tali is ready to stop.  

We continue through the ship and run into a huge ass Geth Prime.

AND

A MODEL SHIP! Is uh...is this anyone's? Going once? TAKING IT.

We find information that Tali's father was doing stuff he shouldn't have been and the info will clear Tali's name but she's major weepy over her dad and doesn't want other people finding out about this. I sigh, and we go back to the other ship were Lawyer Shepard is gonna throw down.

As we run in, Garrus takes a seat in the back and as I give a rousing speech to clear Tali's name, i can't help but glance back at him every few minutes and wander what the hell he's doing. Do have video games in a HUD in your helmet? What are you...watch my speech! Look how amazing I'm being! 

The speech totally works and as we leave, I flip off the admirals and spit on the floor.

FUCK Y'ALL.

I Can See Your "What-Nots"

Back on the ship, I decide to go see if Garrus is up for our romp yet. I walk into his little room and ask if he has a minute to, ya know...just talk.

He shuts the door behind me.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

I am halfway to naked when Garrus says, "I've been thinking..."

You've been what? No. Nooo, no. No thinking, no. Suddenly you have time to think? Go back to calibrating and no thinking and when I come down here for sexy times you just do it.

Oh...you...you're wondering if I'm sure about this. Well yes, of course, look at me. I'm awkwardly putting my boots back on, having thrown them off in a haste a few minutes ago. Are uh...are you sure?

Okay then, let's do this. I start taking my boots back off. Are there like latches on your armor or...

You think we should wait?

As long as possible?

Not disturb the crew?

HEAT SINKS?

Maaaaaaaaaaaan. I begrudgingly agree and tell him that I'll be back later.

I go up to the labs and talk with Mordin instead. He's got a dire warning for me!

Shepard! Be careful...

Be careful having sex with Garrus! Don't ingest! Chafing! Shock! Pokey parts! 

Wh..buh...how did you? I just came from his room, how is this all over the ship already? 

I have my suspicions.

I head to CIC Deck and walk over to Kelly. Hello Kelly. Is there anything I should know? Is there anything you perhaps decided that other people needed to know and so you told them all about it? DO I HAVE ANY UNREAD MESSAGES AT MY PRIVATE TERMINAL?

Oh I do? Well. I give her one last glare and keep on with my rounds. 

Jacob? Bro hugs? No, not yet? Okay I'll be back for those though! 

Man, I need to relax. I head to Kasumi's room where there is, ya know, booze.

I ask Kasumi what's up, just hoping to make some small talk when she says she hears that Garrus has got it bad for me.

goddammit can't a woman keep a goddamn secret.

I down a shot quickly and march towards Garrus's room.

GARRUS THE CREW IS ALREADY DISTURBED. 

RELATIONS.

NOW.

Feelin' Hock, Hock, Hock.

After that thorough decontamination, I decide I am clean enough to put on this fancy dress Kasumi got me and go do her mission. Let me just grab Garru-

What do you mean..."no?"

But, but, but

I bring Garrus everywhere. 

I pout super hard but Kasumi still insists that it be just the two of us for this mission. Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.

We need to get Kasumi's former partner's graybox back from this asshole Donovan Hock. I'm getting into this party he's throwing under the fake name Allison Gunn, and smuggling my armor and guns in with a "gift" for Hock of a solid gold statue of Saren. 

God, how much scanning did I do for that...

Security gives us some guff and Hock tells them to let me in, but not Kasumi. After Hock leaves, I ask Kasumi why he didn't let her in. Is it because I am wearing a pretty dress and you are still in your little hooded thief outfit? Is that it? Oh, you don't know why? You don't think it's the dress code thing...

Inside the party, I sneak down to the vault, which is remarkably accessible. I was expecting several tunnels or something, but I just went down a flight of stairs and there it was. Kasumi, having snuck into the party and cloaking her way around, comes downstairs and looks at the system. She figures we need a voice print, the password, and some DNA. All right then.

I decide to get the voice print first so I can hopefully never talk to this Hock asshole again. I say something to him that fires him up and he decides it's time for a fucking speech. Afterwards he looks at me.

I should go.

I next look for some DNA. A guard in front of Hock's room tells me the door is locked and I can't go in there. Man.

You guys should put a guy near the vault. 

Kasumi and I sneak into Hock's room another way and she tells me to start looking around for DNA. I find a credit chit in the couch, check his pillows, check some stuff on the walls, check an ashtray. I check a plant and Kasumi berates me for it. Well I don't see you checking anything! If you know so much about finding DNA samples, why don't you do it? Who found the money in the couch huh? That was me. I find things. Don't tell me how to fucking do it. There might've been money on that plant too. God I'm so angry now, where's that fucking DNA.

I finally find some, and we casually stroll through the party, until we find a room with guards that we just walk in and kill. We find the password on a datapad.

"Peruggia."

Uuuh. I found it Kasumi, it's uhh...pu...rug..uuuh..Oh you said it. Oh thank god. I'm betting that vault doesn't let you in if you pronounce the password wrong.

Lastly we cut power to the vault. I change into my armor and grab all my favorite guns and we head inside. 

MOTHERFUCKING HOCK HAS A LOT OF SHIT.

Kasumi tells me to find the graybox but I am far too distracted. Why don't you find it? Last I checked you LOOOOOVE FINDING THINGS. I need to look at every single thing in here first.

Ooooh my god! This Krogan statue is awesome, we need to take it back to the ship. And this statue, and the turian one, and this rachni queen! I'm calling Joker!

Unfortunately I can't take the statues with me. I can't even scan them to figure out how to make my own statues. Dang it. I grab the graybox and me and Kasumi get ready to book it out of there, when goddddaaammmmn it a bunch of Hock's mercs start attacking. 

We quickly rid ourselves of them and continue outside where Hock is going to shoot at us with a damn gunship. After a scuffle with him, the shuttle lands and we had back to the Normandy. 

Where I am now wandering the ship in this dress.

TONIGHT EVERYONE. THE CIC DECK IS BLACK TIE.  

Gimme Some Morinth

Back on the ship, I decide to go see how Garrus is doing. Hopefully he's not dealing with what happened by burying his head in a bunch of calibrations again. I'm pleased to find that he does want to talk! He thanks me for the help and I thank him for being on my ship. I ask him some other questions and then he...

then he tells me a dirty story! A dirty story!

SHEPARD THIS IS YOUR IN! MAKE YOUR MOVE!

I sexily lean on his console, messing up several settings and tell Garrus with a wink that maybe we could make some dirty stories together sometime eh? Maybe he could show me how he gets that armor on and off  eh? 

Eh Garrus?

He seems a little startled at my proposition because we can't even share the same drinks, but agrees anyways. I'm totally ready to do this, right here right now, but...I guess I'm leaving instead.

Keep that on your brain, Garrus. I'm gonna go use my sexy skills on Samara's daughter.

Yes you're coming along.

We head to Omega and look around for Samara's daughter, Morinth. We decide to go ask Aria if she knows anything since she is Omega and we're like...inside her now, or something. She points us towards a recent murder and says she doesn't care if some Ardat Yahtzee or whatever is running around killing people. Bitch, is there anything you DO care about? Do your people just bring you info all day and you tell them you don't care and manage to rule through complete apathy? Whatever, we're going.

We head to this apartment and find a distraught mother desperate for someone to find out who murdered her daughter Nef. I think about smirking at that, but then remember that my name is Dizzy. I ask if we can check around her room for clues and the mother agrees. We find Nef was indeed hanging with Morinth in the VIP area of Afterlife. We find the password to the club and head that way, hoping to find Morinth inside.

Before heading in, Samara reviews with me some of Morinth's interests and things I should talk to her about. Hey Samara! I have an idea, we should have Miranda do this because she already dressed for the occasion.  No? Fine. Let's go over this stuff, she likes music, likes art, likes killing things. Got it.

I drop the password to the bouncer and head inside. I kinda wanted to tell him that the NEW password is "SHEPARD WILL FUCKING MURDER YOU" but some of these people are too stupid to be appropriately nervous around me anyways. 

Inside I start trying to attract Morinth's attention. I will talk to this guy quietly in the corner. I will do a bit of subdued dancing. Nothing too outrageous. I will tell this bartender to give everyone a round on the house! I will let him announce it though. Please, no showboating for me.

Suddenly an asari in an outfit I would call "distressing" approaches me. Oh, you've been watching me, huh? Is it because I am the only person in here in cargo shorts? You like pockets baby? Because I got a lot of pockets. Aw yeah, you can put a credit chit in those, know what I'm sayin?

Morinth and I grab a large, family sized booth and sit far away from each other. This is getting intense. I really wish I could rub my forehead with the back of my hand right now...

Morinth asks me something and for far too long, I think about telling her that I am really into justicars. I am like a justicar aficionado. I subscribe to Justicar Monthly and go to Justicar Conventions. I collect justicar trading cards. We call them justicards. Hold on, I have my album with my collection with me! You're gonna love this!

Instead I tell her that I...like...uh, art? It's so...meaningful and expressive? Sure. Oh god I think she's buying it.

Next I tell her that I like um music? drugs? shooting things? Are we done here yet?

She wants to go to her apartment. I agree, even though I really want to just kill her already. 

In her apartment, I run around looking at all her stuff. Oooooh, you mind if I scan these? I could use this. She's got a chess board and some swords and other crap. Finally I go sit next to her on the couch. This is so awkward. Please don't touch my leg. No oh god no, don't sit on my lap. Bad touch, bad touch. I am acting the fuck out of this because my insides are trying to set themselves on fire. This bitch be creepy. 

FINALLY Samara bursts into the room and starts with the Morinth murdering.

ABOUT GODDAMN TIME WOMAN! JESUS CHRIST, WHERE WERE YOU! 

Did you get distracted by poison you can drink at the bars around here? 

Fuck.

You know your daughter is pretty horrible!

She kills Morinth, and we head back to the ship, where I run directly to my cabin for the longest, looooongest shower ever.

Can't Drell Me Nothing

While still at the Citadel, and still kicking it with Thane and Garrus (as usual) I decide to hit up Captain Bailey in C-Sec and ask him if he's got any info on Thane's son. He's a Drell. Probably wearing an outfit a lot like this one Thane has on, with the exposed chest and stuff. Any help?

Bailey says he saw him hanging out with Mouse and I should go bother him instead. He tells me Mouse is selling a VI of me that says crazy shit like "if you wanna read that file, you'll have to buy me another drink goddammit." And then it would fire a fake gun in the air and pass out on your desk. Well that's just...that's just mean.

Garrus makes a joke at this. Oh haha, sure now you're just a goddamn riot aren't you? Now that I'm the one that's all mad it's fucking hilarious is that it? I...

*sigh*

I can't stay or get made at you. You're right. Let's go find this guy.

Thankfully he's just like....upstairs and he tells us what we want to know. Thane's son was seen talking to Elias Kelham and we need to find HIM now instead. He gives me a copy of the Shepard VI too, but I can't figure out how to install that thing in the Normandy at all. 

We head back to Bailey and tell him what we found out and can he bring in that Kelham guy? Pretty please? 

Oh, you have a "deal" with him. I frown at Bailey. It is a hard frown. Hey, Bailey. I got creds. How 'bout I bribe you to not take bribes? Now get Kelham in here.

In the interrogation room, I tell Thane that he can be bad cop.

And I will be what the fuck, get me away from her cop.

Kelham refuses to talk. I punch him in the face. He threatens me with lawyers and fancy talk and I punch him again. Thane asks me to go easy because I might kill him.

Kill him from punching him? What? Oh wait, I have like a lot of bone weaves and shit, I guess these might be hurting him more than I reali-GODDAMN KELHAM I'M SICK OF  YOUR SHIT! 

Aaaand I punch him again.

Finally I get what I want, and Kelham passes out or something, who cares. Let's leave.

Thane's son, Kolyat was hired to kill a local Turian politician. Thane and I will follow the politician around until Kolyat reveals himself. Makes sense.

While following the guy, I make little notes to myself.

"This guy is a douchebag."

"What is on the bottom of my boots? They sure walk on metal quietly."

"Where is Garrus? Is he getting drunk without me?"

Suddenly Kolyat comes charging at the Turian with a gun like...the worst assassination attempt ever. It's a gun dude, you can shoot someone with it from far away. You don't have to run at them screaming. Oh jeesh, now I gotta chase after you and stop you.

Thane and I find Kolyat in a room with the turian, ready to kill him. Kolyat is really pissed at seeing Thane suddenly and ready to pop that trigger at any second. I shoot the lamp behind him, and punch the gun out of his hands? It all happened quite fast, even I don't remember what happened.

Except that Kolyat is the worst fucking assassin ever. Hug your fucking dad. Idiot.

I convince Bailey to give Kolyat community service instead of jailtime. He's like "eeeeeh" and I'm like, bitch don't make me frown at you again. 

Another day saved, we all head back to the ship. 

Wait wait wait.

First the bar.

Then the ship.

More Like Uh, SiDON'Tis.

Well Jacob's mission was a real buzzkill. 

Garrus, Thane. Get your guns, we're going to the Citadel and we're doing yous guys' shit. 

Yes we are going drinking afterwards. I can't believe you even have to ask that.

I decide to start with Garrus's. A contact is waiting in a warehouse near that talking soda machine. Soda? Is it soda? I guess I never really made note of what it was actually selling. Just that it was really enthusiastic about it. I am an advertising execs' nightmare. My brain logs absolute no relevant information of what it hears. 

In the warehouse is a little volus and a couple of Krogan bodyguards. The volus claims to be Fade and I start thinking of how cool it would be roll him like a big bowling ball into those two Krogan. Garrus threatens the little volus to tell him where Sidonis is and the volus freaks out. Okay, we got him, he's not Fade and his bodyguards back down easily when confronted by three people who look slightly buzzed and absolutely ready to kill anything. 

The volus tells us that Fade is actually Harkin. 

I remember that fucker. 

He tells us where to find him and we take off. I am feeling punchy already and Garrus is getting like super worked up. Maybe a little too worked up. I decide to tone down my anger for Garrus's sake. Let's get another drink quick, buddy, okay. Loosen up and stuff. No, no, Garrus no punching everyone we see. I'm mad too, but let's reel this in a bit. 

We head to the warehouse where we find Harkin and a bunch of Blue Suns. Harkin runs inside and leaves like 3 mercs to handle us. Garrus cackles at him and I begin to wonder if the stop at the bar was a good idea. Garrrruuuuuusssssss. 

Inside we fight our way past more mercs and a couple of heavy mechs before finally reaching Harkin. Garrus roughs him up a bit, until Harkin finally sets up a meeting for Garrus with Sidonis. As we leave, Garrus goes to shoot Harkin but I stop him.

Seriously buddy, let's just go okay. No he pisses me off too but let's just...c'mon. Garrus turns and headbutts Harkin instead.

Haha, okay I'll allow that. Headbutting is hilarious. 

On our way to the meeting point, I try to talk Garrus out of shooting a guy in the head in the middle of a public gathering place. Look Garrus, let me talk to him, this might reflect poorly on me. Also you are getting like a crazed look in your eyes that I find kind of unsettling. Garrus insists that he wants to do this and I tell him I'm worried about him and he tells me he's fine and we go back and forth for a bit until we finally move into position and Thane gives me a look from the back seat that says "That conversation will be awkward to relive in perfect detail later." 

Sorry.

I find Sidonis and approach him. Garrus tells me to move so he can shoot him, but I stand there and talk to him for a while, telling him not to move or ya know, KAPOW. Sidonis panicks a bit and then breaks down, telling me all kinds of depressing shit. Aww, Garrus look at this guy. You can't shoot this guy. He's like...pathetic.

Fine, Garrus says. 

We all head back to cab and I reassure Garrus that he did the right thing.

Don't worry Gar-Bear. 

Shep will make it all better. 

Baby Got Gernsback

Back on the ship, I check my journal to figure out what I should do next. Man, everyone wants me to do something for them. I look at Jacob's mission. 

Jacob was the first person to ask me for help. Would it be mean, I wonder, to wait to do his mission until the very very very end? I decide that it would be mean. Then I take a moment to decide if...if maybe I want to be mean. However I remember that I need to get this dude friend-zoned and to get past our conversation of "when you gonna help me, Shep?" I would need to actually go help him.

Fine, Jacob, your mission it is. 

Jacob is interested in finding his father, whose ship went missing ten years ago, and now suddenly is sending out a distress beacon. We land on the planet and see the remains of the ship buried in the side of it. A little AI dude is stuttering his way through warnings and stuff and we take a moment to talk to him. 

Hey little dude, what's up?

He informs us that the local plant life is toxic and eating it will make us crazy. Well. That's good to know. I didn't plan on having lunch here, but I will keep that in mind when crazy people start attacking me. I am sure this is what will happen now.

Inside the ship we check for more clues. A log says that Jacob's father is acting captain and Jacob says that's not right, his father was first officer. I stare at Jacob. 

Do you think, maybe, Jacob, that something might have happened to the captain that would result in your father being acting captain? Like maybe when the ship crashed into a planet? Does that seem in the realm of possibility to you, Jacob? I swear to god, if you say anything else so stupid while we are here, we will go back to the ship and your dad can just stay missing.

Also on the ship is a bunch of straw, like they were hauling livestock or something but I don't see any farm animals around, much to my chagrin.

We continue outside the ship when we see a lady stammering on about crazy shit near a bunch of boxes that look good for hiding behind. She tells me about hunters or some such stuff when I see some dudes creeping up ready to shoot her. I shove her out of the way, while we dispose of them. I try to ask her more questions, but I guess she's just peed herself and is too distraught to talk. 

We walk some more and find what looks like a settlement full of women. Hello ladies. Perhaps you can help us ou-or you can freak out at Jacob, that works too. DAMMIT JACOB! I sigh and we keep walking when a bunch of mechs pop out to attack us. We quickly dispose of them and one lady who I guess hasn't gone completely bonkers yet, tells us what's going on a bit more in words that are hard to make sense of. Whatever.

I'm gonna blow this robot up to get past these boxes. 

I rig the robot to explode in 3 seconds.

Wait, I what?

Shit, what the fuck, run away. 

Why the fuck did I...

Sorry. Sorry guys. I don't know what's wrong with me.

We walk some more fighting our way past robots and crazy dudes, discovering that the officers of the ship had taken the good food for themselves and made the crew eat the toxic food. And...also divvied up the ladies for their lady-needs. What the...that's messed up. The rest of the officers are also now dead. 

Finally we find Jacob's father, all like "hurray someone came for me! I'm so happy to be saved!"

Well, I am not happy. 

He asks who I am. What the fuck? What do you mean who am I? 

Oh, yeah you've been missing for 10 years. Wow, you have a lot to catch up on. Have you heard this shit about the new advancements in thermal clips for exam- wait you have. *sigh* Okay well, this is your son, he's pissed at you. 

They argue for a bit, I tell Jacob we'll just let the Alliance come pick up his sleazy dad and we book it the fuck outta there. 

On the ship, we're asking the Illusive Man how Jacob even GOT the stuff about his dad in the first place! Turns out it was Miranda. I don't know why I care. I'm leaving guys, I'm gonna go look at my model ships. Let me know when you need something important. 

Oooh Baby A Thresher Maw

Back on the ship, I'm having a little chat with Captain Illusive Dude. Oh Shepard, he tells me, I totally knew it was a trap, but I don't like to tell you everything but trust me I know what I'm doing. It might seem weird to act like you should trust me when I send you into traps but it was just my way of showing that I like you!

I flip him off and go back to the command center where I ask Kelly if she can keep that dude off my back for a while. I load up the galaxy map and decide that I'm too tired to do any big lofty missions right now; let's just go to the Citadel.

We land and I wander around for a bit listening to ads and conversations. A couple of Krogan are concerned about eating some fish from the Presidium lake.

This looks like a job for Commander Shepard.

I head into the bar and find one of the groundskeepers and ask him if he can get me one of those fish. He tells me there aren't any fish. Well. 

As long as I'm in the bar, I might as well have a few drinks.

I run into the bathroom and...what the, there's that turian! The one that is always in there when I pass out! Do you just stand in here waiting for me to drink myself into a stupor? I guess that wouldn't take long!

I head back down to the Krogan and tell them that there are no fish and to stop cluttering up the air with their dumb conversations. They sigh and move on with their lives and I decide to go back to my spaceship. We'll go to to uuuuuuh Tuchunka again! Help Grunt out, see how Wrex is doing. 

On Tuchunka, Wrex tells me that Grunt is reaching adulthood and needs to do something something something, god I'm so bad at paying attention. I have liqour-induced attention deficit disorder, I swear to god. WREX OH MY GOD I HAVE THE COOLEST SPACESHIP! Oh Grunt's thing, right right...

We go talk to the Shaman who tells us Grunt needs to go do some fighting and he can take some people with him. No not your whole crew, jeesh, like two people or something. Like two people exactly. Like him, you, and someone else. 

This one Krogan won't shut up, so I headbutt him. I wanted to just start headbutting every Krogan I encountered, but I couldn't. 

The shaman dude sends us out to a battlefield and I'm supposed to activate a keystone to start the ritual. Wait hold on, I need to bypass this thing. Grunt keeps pestering me. ACTIVATE THE KEYSTONE.

HOLD. ON. 

I need these credits.

Finally I activate it and a bunch of varren start coming at us in well spaced out groups. Hardly a challenge for me, Gar, and Grunt. Oh gosh is your varren on fire, I think it is. Next up is Klixen, but really the most terrifying part is the giant monster that drops them? I think it drops them. I tried shooting that thing like a dozen times before I realized it was just unphased by me. After the Klixen, Grunt is again yelling at me to activate the keystone, but I am picking up ammo and searching these dead Krogan out here. At last I activate it again and the ground starts rumbling.

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm what

Then at the edge of the arena thing, pops up a goddamn Thresher Maw.

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm what

After the initial jaw drop though, I immediately spring into action. BIG GUN BIG GUN BIG GUN.

I have the particle beam with me which is nice because this damn thing keeps popping back into the ground and popping back up elsewhere and I probably would've missed with the CAIN. Eventually we kill the thing and then, then I notice that the challenge was only to survive for like 5 minutes.

Well.

Fuck it, I wouldn't have wanted to be around that thing for another like 2 minutes. 

Suddenly this other Krogan that was being a douche to Grunt earlier is there and asking Grunt to join his clan. Oh what, now that he helped kill this Thresher Maw he's all cool? I like him for his charming personality! I tell Grunt it's his choice, because I know he'll make the right one. He tells this other Krogan to screw off and we get to fight them. Dammit, I thought I was done fighting after that damn Maw. 

Grunt's mission completed, we head back to the Normandy but on our way hear that there have been several breeding requests put in for Grunt.

And one for me.

I....

accept.